


The Letter

by Nyxe



Category: Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-13
Updated: 2016-03-13
Packaged: 2018-05-26 09:35:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6233512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyxe/pseuds/Nyxe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Thank you for your cooperation and I do hope we may remain friends..." A tribute to all the girls that the King of the Goblins had fallen in love with. Damn that book.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted at FF.net December 2007; last update February 2008. Chapters have been combined and edited for easier reading. Finished March 2016.

Dear Mortal,

I regret to inform you, that due to an unfortunate adjustment in current standing, I find it necessary to permanently terminate our relations.

In other words – It's over.

I do not doubt that I am the sole center of your puny universe, and that my mere presence is enough to make your lovely heart go pitty-pat, but I fear that this is not enough to continue our extended dalliances. I have simply found someone else who turned out to be much more interesting than you ever could dream of becoming.

As a result of this (no-doubt-devastating-for-you) news, I ask the return of any and all of my belongings, including but not limited to one-hundred and three crystals of varying size, two pairs of moleskin gloves, one elf-spun necklace made of Dwarf gold, my mother's priceless pair of heirloom earrings with matching bracelet, one pair of green leggings, ten poetically written love notes, five dozen enchanted roses, and a handkerchief.

On receipt of said, but not limited to, items, I would be more than happy to have my housekeeper return your overnight sack containing one blue blouse, one pair of trousers, socks, undergarments, tube of toothpaste, and toothbrush. I am keeping the hairbrush as it was my grandmother's. Also in the sack will be the cuff links you gave me our first anniversary, the stuffed toad that you insisted upon having since it was quote “too cute” to pass by, the hair spray you gave me as a gag our second anniversary, and the lumpy pair of home-knit socks that I never did wear.

Do not call me, wish anyone away, or come into contact with any of my goblins or I shall be forced to take drastic action.

Thank you for your cooperation, and I do so hope we can still be friends.

\- Jareth

****

Dear Jareth,

What? What did I do wrong? Was it something I did? Something I said? Just yesterday you were telling me about how much you were looking forward to taking me to Silver Lake for a holiday - and now you're dumping me?

Please, Jareth, think about what you're doing! You've even met my parents! And now you just want to throw away everything we have, just because you met some two-bit floozy who can piece together a crappy limerick or two out on the street?!

I love you. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Anything at all?!

Please – don't do this.

I've returned the handkerchief. Sorry that I didn't have a chance to wash it yet, but I still think you're making a dreadful mistake. You've probably just had too much to drink or something. Messing around with the magic mushrooms like I've told you not to.

You're always doing that. You never did listen to me. But I really hope that you're listening to me now.

Jareth, I need you. I'm willing to do anything you want. Just say the word. I can fix this! I can change! Just give me a chance! I can prove it! Just don't go!

What do you want from me? What can I say that can change your mind? I'm desperate, Jareth. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to lose what we have. I'll do anything! I'll take literature! I'll study up on my fairytales! I'll learn to cook! I'll clean the throne room! I'll even have that stupid mole that annoys you so much removed! I'll stop making fun of your wardrobe!

Just... don't leave me. Please.

With all my love,  
Celia

P.S. You think I even want the little turd back?! Ha! You can keep him! He was a little goblin even before I wished him away! -C

****

Dear “Celia,”

I am not moved. My dear, I'm afraid that you are a soppy fool if you think your empty words could possibly win me back. I am a King and above such things. If I could be influenced in such a way, I would have lost my kingdom long ago.

You have thirteen hours in which to deliver or my lawyer shall hound you... forever.

-One-hundred and three crystals of varying size.  
-Two pairs of moleskin gloves.  
-One elf-spun necklace made of Dwarf gold.  
-My mother's priceless pair of heirloom earrings with matching bracelet.  
-One pair of green leggings.  
-Ten poetically written love notes.  
-Five dozen enchanted roses.

If the rest of my property is not returned in a timely matter, you shall force my hand.

And since we are on the topic of these so-called “moments” that we have shared...

I never liked your cooking, your family's manners are atrocious, and yes, the time you spilled grape juice on my favorite shirt stained it beyond repair. You are lucky that I do not see fit to charge you in replacing it, seeing that it was constructed of cloudstuff. Your laugh is pinched and nasal, causing me many a headache and you have terrible taste in movies. No, purple eyeshadow does not become you, and Yes, that dress did make you look fat.

You cannot even hold a burned out candle to the beauty and grace that is my Natasha. You shall simply have to get over it.

Remember – thirteen hours.

Scornfully yours,  
Jareth, King of the Goblins

***

“Dearest” Lord God King Asshole,

How dare you!

How _DARE_ you!!

Fine, you win. I don't care. Take your shit and leave. I took the liberty of pounding the crystals into dust for ease of transport – they're in the Ziploc bag. I only managed to find the left hands for those stupid gloves and I've pawned the jewelry. Those roses? Died a few months ago. So much for your stupid “enchantments.” The letters have been burned and the tights are at the cleaners. I lost the claim check. I'm so not sorry it hurts. Oh, strike that, it feels good.

Natasha? Natasha?! Come on, Jareth, you can do better than that! What did you do? Pick her up at the local goblin strip joint? Found the nearest floozy with the bounciest boobs and biggest ass? What did she do, Jareth? Flutter her eyelashes and pout? Or maybe she wished away her dearest younger sister?

You're such a sick freak, you know that? Who the hell kidnaps children, anyway? 

I don't ever want to see you again. If you so much as look at me I'll have you in court faster than you can say 'magic.' Stay away from my family, my friends, and my apartment. Keep the hell out of my town and if I even hear a peep from anyone about you taking some person's kid in my state, I'll have your guts for goddamn garters!

Go to hell, Goblin King.

Not Your Goddamn Anything,  
Celia Johnsen

P.S. You keep your fucking goblins away from me, too.

***

_Darling Mine..._

_Your Majesty..._

_King of the Fucktards..._

“...Jareth?”

“Hm?”

_Keeper of my Heart..._

_Your Highness..._

_Jerkface Numero Uno..._

The page crinkled slightly under her fingertips as she turned to the next, scanning over the carefully written poetry, “Jareth, there are hundreds of these,” Her eyes scanned the words quickly, “Possibly thousands.”

“I am aware.”

Calligraphy pens gave way to angry pencil and colorful language.

_If I ever hear from you again I'll castrate you myself, asshole!_

Sarah closed the book with a snap and a puff of dust, “Just how many have you kept?”

“All of them.”

_I swear upon the sun and the moon and the everlasting stars..._

“Why?”

_..that if you show your face in my town and I hear about it..._

Jareth shrugged and leaned back in his chair, propping his feet up on the desk, “Call me sentimental.”

_...the love I feel for you is deeper than the farthest oceans..._

“Or masochistic,” Sarah muttered, opening the next volume of letters and scanning the poorly written love declarations, “Did you even read any of these?”

“Of course. To not read them would have been rude.”

_.. so you can just Kiss My Ass, Fairy boy!!_

“Well, one thing's for sure then,” The book slid easily next to its brethren on the massive bookshelves, “Stealing babies is one shitty way to meet women.”

Jareth sighed, “Tell me about it.”

_Roses are red,_  
_Violets are blue,_  
_You're a goddamn creep_  
_Leave me alone and fuck you!_

**Author's Note:**

> So I've decided to (slowly) start dusting off and moving my ancient writing history over from my long abandoned FF.net account - if this seems familiar; that would be why.


End file.
